Velopata arrived home from a hard day spent where he so hardly works and as soon as his bookface feed opened… There it was, spreading like wildfire through every post.
During the Team´s Time Trial at Tirreno Adriatico, that region of Italy that no one can correctly pin point on a map, Team Sky´s Gianni Moscon crashed due to what it seemed to be… Wheel failure.
If anyone has payed close attention to this unfortunate event, one thing stands out. It wasn´t a case of potholes or the likes, not even road furniture to blame. Simply put, the wheel exploded into tiny bits, making the poor fella have a taste of how soft Italy´s tarmac surely is.
So from the top of all his expertise, Velopata will analyse all the mambo jambo and conspiracy theories that thrive throughout the cybernetic space in order to clarify and even rest the millions of dearest readers who look up to him for counseling.
First things first. What was the material the wheel was made of?
You got that right dear reader, it was one of them carbon, 100% carbon, full carbon, completely made up of carbon, aero carbon wheels. Even the sexy wheel´s nipples that attach the rim to the hub, thus providing rigidity and stability, were made of carbon. Hell, there was so much carbon on those wheels that when they first came into existence, NASA and Boeing were forced to postpone satellite and airplane production due to carbon shortage.
Problem is, these wheels only had 3 spokes.
Even though the spokes were made of carbon, 100% carbon, full carbon, completely made up of carbon, aero carbon, how can anyone expect that a 3 spoke wheel can handle the power that poor fella Gianni Moscon was surely kickin´. And knowing that this guy rides for Team Sky, Velopata´s pretty sure that the day before the Team Time Trail he called in sick with a badly clipped nail, just to have suppositories with strange dope names no one can really spell inserted into his cavities by the Bald Boss, thus providing the rider with some marginal gains, all UCI approved.
So imagine the horse power Moscon´s was producing and now add to it… The engine power.
That´s right dearest readers, in case you´ve missed CBS´s “60 Minutes”, guess which team´s bicycles weighted more 800 grams than the rest of the ones in the peloton during Le Tour de France? In fact, 800 grams was the exact amount of extra weight the great L´Americain and the dreaded engine´s hungarian inventor said that bicycles equipped with those tiny engines would weight. But then again… Those bicycles (or should Velopata write bikes?), were UCI approved…
But Velopata doesn´t want to rant about engines. That a guy dopes himself with chemicals it can be understandable; not unforgivable, but it can be understood; pressure for results, poor ethics from coaches, team bald bosses and sponsors surely can lead to bad options but using a engine… It´s just complete and absurd stupidity and anyone caught using such a device should clearly be cast away from cycling. Or like in the days of old, instead of stoned to death, which is just barbaric, they should be seat posted to death. Preferably with aluminium seat posts. Truth is, if they really want to race two-wheeled vehicles with engines and go full primitive… Go race motorcycles you dumb ass! This sport is for real hard men and women.
By now Velopata knows that the dear reader is still thinking on the suppositories mentioned above but it´s quite simple. Since Team Sky is known for a no-needle policy, Velopata´s guess is that they take their “medicines”, “vitamins” and “marginal gains” through suppositories. Besides, needles leave tiny holes in the skin which, most certainly, are not aero at all.
Back to Gianni Moscon´s wheel explosion.
There the poor fella was, pounding away on those pedals like he had stole the bicycle (or bike?), aided by the engine, producing that little extra power, on a 3 spoke wheel made up of carbon, 100% carbon, full carbon, completely made up of carbon, aero carbon. What could anyone in the world expect?
Problem is, these wheels are top of the line, produced by the brand Velopata loves, the elfish-like japanese artisans of Shimano, who create marvelous velocipedic components in between earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear meltdowns, eating sushi, drinking sake and cosplaying.
What could have possibly gone wrong, one might ask.
Could it have been too much sake? Mercury poisoning from all the sushi? Fukushima´s radiation affecting artisan´s brains? A japanese man dressed in a Sailor Moon costume?
It took Velopata days without proper eating, sleeping or resting to finally come up with an answer. Amazing as it may seem, Velopata had to watch the not so much fiction movie that has recently became available on his cable provider. By now you´ve guessed it dear reader, Velopata´s writing about the movie “The Program” in which the story of the-one-whose-name-shall-not-be-spoken is told.
During one of the scenes in this movie, one night off during Le Tour, the later to be known as The Snitch, feeling remorse devouring his consciousness, went over to the team´s truck parked outside the hotel. What he saw shook him to his bones. Bicycles were missing. Later on, he was told by his Directeur Sportif that money for all the dope they were taking had to come from somewhere and it´s not like they could have receipts on them.
Can the dear reader imagine that? A professional cycling team sellin´ bicycles from their less known riders in order to fund for dope. For Saint friggin´ Coppi´s sake! Velopata felt like unplugging the tv and throw it out of the window along with routers and all the gizmos that come along with the cable service provider´s tech. But Mrs. Velopata called him to reason since the movie had already been payed for and by now she wanted to watch it till the end, though Velopata knows that her agenda was secret; like all other cyclist´s wifes, she wanted Velopata to quit cycling and maybe, just maybe, that film about the most obnoxious of cyclists would help.
By the way, it didn´t. Rest assured dear readers.
So it took this scene from the movie “The Program” for Velopata to fully understand what probably happened to poor fella Gianni Moscon.
Team Sky is known to have the biggest budget from all World Tour Teams, they´re like the Real Madrid of cycling, every guy that rides in this team could easily be Chief Wanker in any other team. Having spent so much money on the most expensive bicycles in the peloton, them beautifully italian crafted Pinnarellos, recruiting the most expensive guys in the men´s peloton and have you looked at their tin can support vehicles? They ride Jaguars, for Bartali´s sake! Now add to it the money spent on “vitamins”, “nutritional supplements”, marginal gains and suppositories, one can only imagine where they would get them damn wheels.
Seems to Velopata that they were not using Shimano wheels but were, in fact, using Chinamo wheels, that unfortunately are not made of carbon, 100% carbon, full carbon, completely made up of carbon, aero carbon but are made up of 100% pure crabone.
What is crabone? The dearest reader asks.
Crabone is the material that goes into every eBay cycling component you buy, it doesn´t matter whether it´s Chinamo, Campachinolo or even Srachinam. It costs a penny to produce, or how we say in portuguese one tuta and a half, though nobody really knows what a tuta is. But there´s a reason it costs much less than the original item and don´t come braggin´ down Velopata´s ass because you bought some stem or handlebars that are made of crabone, 100% crabone, full crabone, completely made up of crabone, aero crabone and they still endure after years of abuse. Truth is, one of these days it´s gonna fail you and when it does, it´s always without any warning sign like a small crack, for instance. It will fail catastrophically and much like Gianni Moscon´s, you´ll be scrappin´ your sorry ass from the tarmac and not only will you get a splintered bicycle, you´ll also get new teeth and clavicles. That is if you don´t die in the process, obviously.
So, boys and girls, be like Velopata. Support your local bicycle shop and buy original items from them. Not only you´ll have the guarantee that if they fail there´s always accountability and someone will surely have to pay for your new jawbones but you´re also helping friends who, above all else, are the ones who always look after our bicycles and keep them workin´ smoothly.
And please don´t be like Gianni Moscon. Don´t go around inserting suppositories with the marginal gains excuse. It´s just gross.
Keep them pedals turnin´,